Body dysmorphia at its finest.

Hey everyone. It’s been a minute since I’ve written. It’s been a tough few months but the good news is I’m graduating in two weeks. Graduation brings me with what I want to talk about today.

I’ve been working on my bachelors degree for 11 years. Yes , ELEVEN years. It’s a long time. I’ve done some things in that time. Like joined the Army and moved to Nashville. When I made the decision to move back to Alabama it was to finish school.

Over the last few years I’ve gained 50 pounds. My size 0-2 coyote body long gone. In return I have a thicker and fuller figure. I now sit in a size 8. I work out and try to eat right. Not all the times but I try. This last semester has been a busy and tiring one. I haven’t been able to make it a session at the gym as often as I would like and by the time I get home I have no drive to do a home workout. So in simple terms I’m making excuses on why I can’t do it. I can call myself out. These excuses stem from the fact I’m not happy with the skin I am in. I’m not happy and it affects my mood and my drive.

The other day I had an hour to kill (before the gym ) and I decided to try on some dresses. Altered State had a really cute dress I’ve been eye balling all week. So I wanted to try it on. I couldn’t find it on the floor so I asked about it. They made the dress in plus sizes but had it in a jumpsuit. Cool! I’ll try that. So they picked one out in my size and put it in a room for me. I picked out a few dresses , a skirt and top , and the jumpsuit. I tried the jumpsuit on and I couldn’t get it over my hips. Lovely. The skirt looked awful. One dress was too small and the other sat weird. I didn’t make it to the third dress. By then I was bummed out.

So I texted my coach and told her the tea. I then went to the gym early so I couldn’t talk myself out of my session. Once I get there I’m happy. It’s getting there. My workout wasn’t a good one. I was in my head. My hips were hurting. I wasn’t there. But I was moving. I was doing something. I then went to my monthly board meeting and cried in my car on the way. When I left my meeting coach called me. Boy did she give me a pep talk. The pep talk of my life. She’s all the time telling me that she needs me to be nicer to her friend Carly. This talk was different. She told me she could tell today wasn’t a good day for me. She reminded me of everything I have going on. Juggling three jobs and finishing up my degree and trying to maintain myself. She told me I’m “tenacious as fuck ” and really just gave me the pep talk of my life. She told me I should be proud of the things my body can do. I felt so much better once I got off the phone with her. She’s more than a coach. I consider her a dear friend. She just tells me to pick heavy things up and put them back down. And I actually enjoy it.

I can stare at the mirror and wish my body looked different. I could mourn my coyote body. I could pick at my flaws. When in reality there is nothing wrong with my curvier figure.

So my goal is to get out of my head. I am my own worst enemy.

I graduate in a couple of weeks and my schedule is going to free up. Then I’m going to sit down and maximize the most out of my schedule. Find time to make those gym session. Find time to love myself again. This work , school , sleep, and repeat life isn’t for me.